Profiles of the who, what and why they bothered
Allan, Greg
ATKINS, Peter ('Lucky Pierre') RHB "Sorry I'm late I was at the market at St. Andrews and...', 'Sorry I'm late, but there was a power failure and the alarm didn't go off.' Some of the best excuses from a distinguished career. Also famous for the Afterword to every innings, beginning: "I was just starting to feel comfortable out there..." Could make the seam of a ball look like a winged keel with one flick of his thumbnail. Giver of the most outlandish cricket advice of all time, the which he obeys himself to the letter, hence his stance in slips.
ATTRILL, Ross LHB LOS A noted country'n'western singer in own living room. Ross turned down recording contracts from Nashville, Tamworth and West Wyalonq to return to play with the Reds. A long-standing member of the club, scoring centuries etc., his form has been hampered recently by loud shirts, fatherhood and attempts to look like a golliwog.
Baggaley, Norm
BANNIKOFF, Kim RHB RSMB Those of us who remember Kim playing for the Reds chiefly recall his self-effacement, his New Sensitive Male gentleness, and his cheerful patience with team mates of lesser co-ordination or mental agility. 'Banners "season '88-'89 will live in memory mainly for his paying his subs with a (rare) winning TAB ticket. Career highlights: forqivinq R. Attrill (with a sweet, gentle smile) for running him out in the Granny. Best Excuse For Being Run Out (In a Substance-Affected State of Mind): 'The ball was so red, Billy, and the grass was so green.' Co-inaugurator (with W. Perrett) of the Bannikoff/Perrett Joint Awards.
Barkhoff, Rayner
Barkhoff, Dieter
Beaton, Gerry
BOWEN, David RHB, RFL-S When a bowler bowls a quick leg-break at a brisk medium pace, two things may happen: he may bowl no-balls, full-tosses and long-hops so much that he is thrashed and loses, his appetite for the game; or, if he bowls accurately on a bouncy pitch, he's premiership material in any form of cricket. In Dave's first season he took 49 wickets, the last five for 2 runs.
Boyes, Geoff
Burgess, Greg
Burke, Michael
BRADLEY, Christopher RHB, RSM Chris's rather jaundiced view of the venerable game has been attributed to his captains' tendency to position him within inches of opposing batsmen's posteriors, and the possibility of death or permanent disablement. Chris has recently expressed a determination to keep playing until one of the above occurs or his imminent offspring is playing for the club. All rather worrying, really.
BRIGGS, David RHB WKT Displays a disturbing tendency to wander outside his crease when troubled by slight testicular discomfort during finals. Has been unable to be purged of an odd fancy that juggling has something to do with cricket. Has gone to Queensland to think the whole thing over.
Briton, John CAMPBELL, lain RHB, RSM The first recruit to the RPRs. Averaged 0.5 in his first game, but improved rapidly to contribute many 50s for various sides over the years. Together with Andrew Hewett, formed the first heroic tail-end partnership in club history at Kensington in '80-81. His idiosyncratic out-swing bowling style was hampered by endless knee injuries, but he once removed three top Port Phillip Combine batsmen in 4 overs during a semi-final. lain provides the link with the old North Carlton Sunday team which led to our third team being formed in '81/2.
Carrell, Steve
Cassell, Phill
Cave, Mick
Collings, Greg
Cooper, Brian
COUSLAND, Barry RHB, Original Player A rustic, swinging style learnt in Sheep Hills (?) brought his the second 50 in Reds history, and also one of the most famous pairs. When quick runs were needed for doubtful outrights, was usually sent to open with chants of 'Head up, swing again, Barry', recalling one of his greatest remarks in a long slip-fielding career. In his final season, formed a legendary verbal combination with Kent Middleton. Unlike Kent, and just about every other Red, Barry could actually catch, too. A former member of the IS, and now a Transport Union official, Barry's political career may be said to have progressed from street corners to 'Four Corners'.
Crafti, Nat
CROFT, Jamie RHB, RF-MB Jamie has been known to bowl an over with exclaiming 'Oh, 'me hammy', and staggering to first slip - but not very often. An escapee from a hippy commune near Ballarat (he has never had the plastic surgery to reverse his Doonesbury-like appearance), part of his rehabilitation therapy has been to scream 'Come on, guys, guts and determination!' at every opportunity no matter how inappropriate. Jamie's ambition is to lead a Reds team into a 'Grannie' where he will be able to scream at the change of innings, 'this is the big one, boys!' Another good 'club' man.
DeOliveira, Michael
Dharmaratman, Dev
DODD, Andrew RHB Andrew 'played' in the '86/7 season in between trips to South Korea, hot air-ballooning and parachuting. declaring himself available for the finals, he was last heard of jetting to Europe. Winner of that year's most travelled cricketer award, unfortunately he cannot be at the dinner tonight...
Doogan, Mick
DUNSTAN, David RHB Upholder of the fine Public School tradition in cricket exemplified by Jardine (Winchester) and the Chappell brothers (Prince Alfred). While (usually) convinced of the need to walk promptly from the field when given out by the umpire, respects the umpire's decision to make alternative decisions. Almost won the '81/2 premiership by acting on this principle; thereafter his own children threatened his wicket more than the Royal bowlers. Probably the most improved Reds batsman as well as an expert slips fielder to spinners. Advice to fast bowlers from this position tends to be stereotypical, however. In '87/8 took over 'a bunch of convicts and malingerers' and led them into the finals with award-winning batting prior to resigning his commission in triumph. Noted wine critic and fund-raiser.
FLEMING, Trevor RHB, WKT The regular wicket-keeper in the early seasons of the Reds, Trevor appealed as though stung by a bee, and affected stumpings with a comprehensive lack of grace. A powerful hitter who won a semi-final in one day's play, tended to bat best when the situation was hopeless or he had to dash to a wedding. Behind the stumps he patented the insult 'No Concept', .which often galvanized the batsman into match-winning 50s. A former taxi-driver, now a political adviser who mistakes public opinion for the ravings of ratbags.
FRASER, Ashley RFB, Original Player Sub-district bowler who filled in the Reds' first ever game and amused himself by taking 4/8 in 3.4 overs. That's it; he never played for us again.
Freeman, Geoff
Gallina, Herbert
GATISS, Alan RHB Gatiss burst into the Reds not so much like a cyclone, more like a hot thermal inversion. You certainly noticed him, but kept asking why. Three wickets in his first match as an opening bowler promised much more but, with the exception of wides, his verbal deliveries had more impact. Played some useful innings in his time and managed double figures in both innings of our disastrous first semi-final against the laughably named Coburg Socials, a unique achievement - and from a player maddened by drugs. Claims possession of our first freak rebound catch, via Ken Norling's head. Largely responsible for introducing the 'Singh/Loh Sweet Chariot' mob.
Gault, Steve
Glennon, Chris
Guest, Dave
HATCHER, KIMBERLY RHB, RLS Kimbo didn't get a bat till his third game, scored 10 runs in his first season and didn't get a bowl till well into his second season. In fact, he probably didn't become a regular leg-spinner till he'd played for four years. Many recruits of more recent years have had a much better go and given up quicker. Kim survived this neglect and an unfortunate stint as a wicket-keeper (don't employ him as nightwatchman), to rout top sides as a leg-spinner capable of taking 7 wickets in an innings. He has also been known to rout his own side when he loses his line and length; one Fulham batsman tonked him for three 6s from consecutive balls. His weird crouching batting style, favouring the square cut from yorkers (and little else) first gained prominence with match winning performances in the D grade finals of '82/3, and have continued to this day, barring the effect of drink. It's a pity for Kim that we play on the days after Friday and Saturday night. He might have been quite a cricketer if we'd played on Tuesdays. But then he wouldn't have been 'Hatcheresque'.
HEWETT, Andrew RHB, Original Player With Fleminq and Gatiss, the original urger of the club. 'Hammer and sickle 'em, Reds' sounded fresh the first 10 time, less so the next 200. Actually, a remarkably ultra-leftwinq cry for a man accurately depicted in Street-fighting Man. Has in fact been livinq in sleepy London town since 1983 but having failed to join the MCC, may soon return to his beloved Melbourne equivalent. A useful tail-end partner in early Years, blossomed into an attacking sloqqer when captaininq Reds first D grade team in '81/2. While he tended to keep wicket with his teeth, he could also be an enthusiastic cover fielder. A double runout act with Gatiss probably ruined the only likely 9-wicket haul by a Reds bowler.
Holland, Kel
Johnstone, Richard
Jordan, Richard
Jordan, Tim
KAHN, Alec RHB: 9 100s, 18 50s, LOS: 5w/i x 10 106 games, Original Player The original, best and reddest of the Red. His battinq won numerous competition awards, probably broke records for crease occupation by a suburban cricketer, and affected the rest of the Reds in many ways. Rarely runout, unlike many partners, his eccentric bowling (or was it?) by contrast, enlivened many a contest with the more immediate prospect of runs and wickets. A long-time baseballer, was formerly a top close-catching fieldsman, now an emerging wicket-keeper, Club equipment and practice supremo, and captain for many seasons until one fateful day when Yarra Park avoided the follow-on. Rising 38, but unravished by drink, he remains forever young and probably intends occupying the crease for another 20 years.
Keating, Jack
Keddie, Ewan
Keith, Alan
King, Bill
KING, Steve RHB Played in club's second game, but we'll leave lain the honour of being our first recruit. Almost scored double figures once and is recorded as having held two catchers, which probably surprises those with long memories. After one season was recruited by the Spartacist League. His subsequent insulation from bourgeois influences means that we'll never really know if he did contaminate the club's protectors.
Kotiw, Charlie
Lake, Graham
LANE, Robert RHB, RF-MB, Ist Trumpet A refugee from EBCA-NSCA who has definitely come back to Brylcreme. At the time of writing, Rob is our only beatnik. Possessed of a vicious delivery that has bruised many ribs and fingers, he claims he never means to do it, and apologises to the victims. Player Lane was recruited by a member of Socialist Action on the Hoyts picket line. He is the hope of a new era for the Reds - one more drunken but definitely less uptight.
LANGLEY, Michael RMB, RHB Despite attending a private neo-hippie school, Michael retains an admirably dedicated attitude to bowling the one that lifts sharply off a length to remove the off testicle. He is working hard to cure himself of a tendency to apologise to batsmen he has dismissed. He has also promised to limit his reading of Sartre to twice a week, which should help his batting, and has (he says) given up any thought of joining the Jesuits.
Loeffler, Norbert
Loh, John
LYONS, Paul Anthony LHB WKT Paul's peculiar modesty has made the burden of being a very talented cricketer extremely hard to bear. Luckily, he has been able to achieve some measure of anonymity by being born with red hair, white eyebrows, and by smearing his face before cricket games with a full tube of zinc cream, often in fanciful designs. Has gone to Perth -to forget. Has been successful.
McConville, Danny
McGhee, J. 'Torch'
McLeish, Patrick
McNIECE, Peter RHB, LSB, Original Player Seemed likely to challenge K. Norling as the Reds' first leg-spin sensation till he copped a hiding at the hands (or hooves?) of the Buffaloes. Actually, he only got a hiding in the scorebook: Dave Nadel got it in the forehead. Played some useful middle-order innings before disappearing to Sydney in '80 where we believe he has been associated with similar (thouqh irregular) cricket clubs.
McRobbie, Mike 'Zorba'
MacWhirter, Ian
Mahony, Peter
Martin, Peter
Mattison, Jesse
Nears, Warwick
Neertens, Victor
Mellick, Dave
MERRY, Graeme RHB, RFB, MIA Graeme is a very fast bowler, poet-gentleman and single-handedly keeps the CUB, Coca-Cola and B&H empires alive and well. A victim of the A. Kahn technique of over-doing a good thinq. Best excuse: turning up a day early for a Sunday match. Lonqest over: five missed run ups, seven blown noses, thirteen apologies and a no ball.
Middleton, Kent
MITCHELL, Richard RHB, RSM A wiley customer who has out-thought and out-smarted himself many times. Since being lured away from a promising career with the Brixton Leaques competition at the age of 12, Richard has developed a supreme tactical understanding of the game which he often puts to good use in the post-game analysis. His most remarkable contribution to the game is his coaching of umpires in aspects of Newton's law of gravity, rotational physics and the nature of string.
Moloney, Greg
NADEL, David RHB, RB? Reqular participant in the early record partnerships for the Reds last wicket, thanks to Gatiss and Beaton striking a few hasty fours at the other end. Having recorded the first six in Reds history, his batting declined in his second season when aggreqate owed all to two dropped catches - off the same delivery . Perservered to take part in the first premiership team, as he notified rancorous Royal Park opponents in the greatest Reds quote of all (see Stats). His career as the silliest of silly mid-offs was terminated by a thunderous off-drive to the glasses. Returning gallantly from hospital a week later, he suffered the ignominy of the first Reds pair when his runner, a nameless captain, overstepped the mark and became the first of a few 'Mankad' victims.
Noonan, Paul
Noonan, Peter
NORLING, Ken RHB, RLB Recently made a come-back at 38 and helped Reds to a rare win in Fawkner Park. These were commonplace when Ken opened with Alec in the early years and perfected the rigorous battling doctrine of Kahn-Norlinqism. Won a competition batting award in '81/2. His old skills as a leg-break and wrong-un bowler and gulley fielder have disappeared but his good judgement of a run, backed up by an assertive personality, is still there.
Osborn, Ross
OVERELL, Richard RHB, RHB Batting sensation of our first season. Going into the finals he was averaging 70. However he was LBW for six in the semi, which reduced his average to 38, 14 below his bowling average. A shock caning by Dave Nadel in the Rock Trivia Quiz conducted at our first annual dinner sent Richard's confidence at the crease into a tailspin. Next season his batting fell by 31.7 runs and he has retired to his garden in Oakleigh, occasionally firing off missives to the press on the preservation of rare books.
OWEN, Gareth RHB, LSD One thing is certain is Reds folklore: you can tell when you're half an hour into a game, Gareth comes bobbing across the horizon stuffing a sandwich into his gob. A founding and life member of the hoochi-couch caucus. One of that brand of cricketers that has been mortified by captains' neglect of their bowling prowess. Unfortunately the eccentric world of the donkey-drop bit the dust with the youth of Europe in Flanders Fields.
Patterson, Ross
PERRETT, Peter LHB, NCFI Peter joined the Reds because he enjoys fielding. And a good thing too, Along the way, he has developed the 'two 6s and you're out' rule into an exact science. Since moved to Blackburn to avoid occasions of Croft. Idols: J.McEnroe, R. Grinter, K. Hatcher, K.Bannikoff. * Only fear in the physical world world: J. Davis (Missus).
PERRETT, V.8.6.6 'Slugger' RHB, RLS debut 1898 Bill comes from a distinguished family of cricketers and merchant bankers. A stalwart opening batsman (showing more stall and wart than bat on most occasions), he has nevertheless shown great technical proficiency at the anguished walk back from the middle. He wisely decided to retire from the bowling crease after complaints from various short-leg fieldspersons that it was all rather spectacular when the ball hit the pitch, but no fun at all having the majority of balls wizz between your legs.
PERSSON, Peter RHB, ROS Ill-used in his first season in the original Reds team, Peter has become a fixture in present-day RPRs. Possessed of one of the best temperaments and leg glances among us, he has been a prolific opener for years. While his off-spin bowling never developed in matches, he probably holds the all-time nets record for stinging blows to the inside thigh. He can actually field, too, a rare thing in the Reds.
Pollock, Max
PRENT, John RHB, WKT Likes a confrontation. Once scored a century in a grand final after a violent row with his future wife. Doesn't such care which side his antagonist is on so long as it fires him up. A bumper which knocked his glasses off, followed by a dispute about over-throws, led to the most electrifying of all Reds innings: from 20 in just over an hour, John struck 14 fours and two 6s, racing to 105 in another hour for a partnership of 110 with a bemused Peter Tilley. An innings unlike any other previously seen in the Reds.
Reghenzani, Steve
Rich, Jeff
Roberts, Morrie
ROBERTS, Simon RHB, S-MB A revered figure among the umpiring fraternity, Simon developed the ability to swing mouth both ways regardless of weather. While his batting has shown steady siqns of improvement, he seems to have sadly lost the facility to remove batsmen with extremely bad balls.
ROBERTS, Tony RHB, RMB Original Player Got to 100 wickets by knocking off the three top Royal batsmen at the start of the grand final in our third season. Probably lucky to have taken 50 wickets in the seven years since. Formerly a scratchy tail end hat, he turned at 30 to opening the batting, though a repertoire of lofted straight drives has tended to limit his success. Likes finals; cant remember when he last did. A good 'club' man, too.
Scobie, Andrew
Scott, Greg
Singh, Ranjit
Sekhon, Harry
Shand, David
Spicer, Mark
TILLEY, Peter RHB, WKT A permanently lobotomized air has not prevented Tills from performing unbelievable feats of athleticism behind the stumps, marred occasionally by a tendency to forget to actually hold the ball. A stylish opening bat, whose downfall is often enough caused by his thinking of Sunday afternoons in Stawell.
Todorovic, Dragan
WATSON, ROB RHB RSMB Bon-vivant, musicoligist, film buff, fragile soul and Carlton supporter. What's this guy doing playing cricket? Dependable mat-storer, kit-carter and flag carrier, who finally got rid of his station wagon, and thus all responsibility. Rob is our alto-tenor appealer. He has a penchant for green-lipped mussels and knows a eucalypt when he sees one.
Wickham, Garry
WILLIAMS, Dickie RHB, ROB Could possibly be a great cricketer - who knows? Some sterling performances with the ball, may have made a terrifying team with 'twin' Attrill, if either could have been found. Tours: Boqonq Hiqh Plains, Wilson's Prom., Tatura. Currently believed to be in Kenya. (See comments re. A. Dodd) Awards: Best Own Kit, Best Cricket Pants, Best Aftergame Shirts.
Wiseman, John
WRIGHT, Russell RHB, Spectacular outfielder Seen more often at the Victoria Market on Saturday mornings than on the cricket field over the last few years. However, he can always be relied upon to fill the breach at an hour's notice between conferences and seminars. Ridden with angst, a great outfield catch, punishing puller and hooker, completely undependable. Probably the quintessential Reds player. Victorious C: Grade Grand final team 1984/5
WALLMAN, Jeff RHB Original Player Mystery character, recruited from the IS team which played in the matches leadinq to the founding of the Reds. Had apparently played regular baseball in South Australia, so he could throw all right. But generally unable to come to terms with the need for verticality when batting in cricket. Scored four runs at an average of 1 in two seasons. Whereabouts unimaqined.
Zyngier, David