Jim Todd, variously A-grade 'keeper-captain-eminence grise, took off in 1996 and found himself for selection with the national side - Hungary's, that is - where he and partner Lisa holed up broken English to any unwitting Atilla who'd support their goulash habit. English is now spoken with o strong nasal tone. And national 'keeping standards were similary improved.
Seasons greetings to all associates from Budapest.
Things seem to be going very well. I cannot remember the last time all three
sides were in the four (as of 10/12/96).
I had mentioned to Chief in a letter in October that unless the Reds were able to pick up a few new players, they may struggle this year and particularly as the early signs were that the C-grade may fold. Well, it seems that you have successfully entrapped a few players with a bit of ability and it justifies another successful recruiting drive in the pubs of Melbourne throughout the winter. Does this also mean that the C-grade is now made up entirely of mates of Rick Mitchell's as is the tradition? I must admit I was also not counting on a rejuvenated Bickle to come storming back into the picture at the tender age of 40 (is that right, Pete?).
I could not fail to notice however that the batting totals for A-Grade have only broken 150 once for the season and that against a sadly depleted Coles-Myer (not that I shed a tear about this mind you - especially after I read Rowdy had gone for a golden duck - I hope you all gave him an appropriate send off). Is this because it has been a bit wet and the tracks have been seaming or is there the perennial problem of a lack of batting depth? I suspect it may have been a combination of the two*. * I quote from Simon Robert's forthcoming autobiography titled I am a Red - and you're a fucking cheat, as yet unpublished - ed.) that cricket is a game designed by batsmen for batsmen, particularly those who have never bowled an over in their life except sometimes when o game is already lost and they come on to bowl the last over of the day and get a wicket from a short long hop down leg side later proclaiming that this bowling caper seems fairly easy. From that day on, they constantly pester the captain (quite often a frustrated bowler himself) by standing in slips or at cover rolling their arm over whenever they feet there needs to be a bowling change. Sometimes a frustrated captain weakens and concedes an over to one of these types which more often than not leads to a wicket which only continues to perpetuate the myth. To quote from Roberts: 'fucking batsmen, who needs them' - or was that Ian Chappell...
Chief coming back after Christmas should help that somewhat. Sadly, it seems that Tim Powell slipped the net once again and Charlie Todd me he is somewhere in Italy . I will try and him down and put the hard word on him for next year over a cappuccino in Venice (last year it was a Cascade at the George, the year before that over Spaghetti Alla Parna in Lygon St, the year before that ....). Charlie also tells that me Pete Rankin is in Europe (Amsterdam I think). Has he gone there to try and recruit Jason Reynolds back or perhaps another ten like him?. I can still remember McNamara saying me after Reynolds had blasted the Coles attack last season. 'Where did you drag Reynolds from?' and I replied 'out of rehab.'
It may be that with the growing popularity of Reds players fleeing to Europe (on a recruiting drive following the fall of Communism -I am using this angle as a tax dodge), that pretty soon we may be able to start our own Reds ex-pats side here and an Australian winter tour could be arranged - there is plenty of room at our house though I suspect Lisa will demand that the kit be stored elsewhere.
Alec failed to mention, though I could safely presume knowing the amount of lobbying that was occurring before I left, whether he had been elected captain for this season. If this is so, then I suggest that an interesting statistic has been created which may take some time to better (lessen?). That is, the average age of the Reds captains for this season would have to be 45 at Ieast.This would certainly be a club record of all time highs (lows?). (it probably is more than this as I have never really known how old Ken is). Of course if Alec, Ken and Rick continue in those positions for next year - then the record will continue to grow. It will be interesting to see what sort of condition McCaughey and Grotegoed are when they reach the age of not knowing when to stop. I would back myself or Ross Attrill in about ten years time to take the place of Rick as the grumpiest old bastard still playing cricket.
It was also pleasing to see a few other names enjoying success this season - some old, some new and some forgotten. Attrill and Roberts never cease to amaze me. I would have thought after a combined total of over twenty years in the Mercantile, that someone would have learnt how to play them by now. 1 have always agreed with Simon McDowall whose theory has been to play Roberts like a spinner. I would suggest that there would be no harm in playing Ross like a worn out medium pacer - he certainly has the temperament to match. I should mention on that note that being the keeper to Ross (and Simon for that matter) for six years gave me a close up view of face contortions I would not have thought humanly possible (this is aside from the verbal obscenities). When an Attrill LBW/caught /stumping is turned down and he turns away from the umpire to glare at the batsman we all know it is not a pretty sight (perhaps Simon being given a dubious LBW, followed by a send off to a batsman who had done nothing wrong except that 'he was a fuckwit' is on a par). Perhaps the experience of a turned down Attrill appeal is only bettered by slapping his back after he has taken a wicket - sometimes it pays to wear gloves. Then again, I have never seen my own face after a square leg umpire has not given an obvious out decision because (i) he was too busy thinking about how he got out stumped to Attrill in the first place (McNamara) (ii) he was practising his golf swing (McNamara, Rowdy) or (iii) he was simply a cheat and a fuckwit (Leane - I can safely say this now as I see Bill is no longer playing - don't show this to Simon Phillips as I do not have time to be called before the tribunal again this year).
I was surprised to hear of the successful return of Bickle back to the fold - but history tells me never to be surprised by anything that Peter does. I suspect this may be in part due to the leadership of Kahn who has always handled Pete through a combination of mathematics - 'I am going to bowl you for 30 overs today because I thought the 31 you bowled last week was a bit much for you'; understanding - Alec and Peter are perhaps the only true socialists left in A-Grade (sorry Ross, you live in Carnegie) and it seems that Alec only has to say the words Jeff Kennett used to play forYarra Park' to focus Peter's mind on the job at hand; and finally through pure stupidity as he lets Bickle set his own field -'fm going to try and get him with the hook shot'. Anyway, it's great to see him back and obviously enjoying his cricket. I figure when he is making runs, things are going well for him.
Matthew McCaughey is perhaps the most frustrating cricketer I have ever known, though if you ran a competition at the club, Paul Grotegoed may come close to snatching that dubious title. So it was with great pleasure that I read both are making runs this year. I have batted with both players when they have torn the hearts out of opposition teams - did King from Yarra Park ever play again? - yet there have been other times when they have torn the hearts out of their own side as the previous nights fifteen vodkas and three packets of cigarettes take effect. To see both in full flight gets the old Reds heart pumping but it can be hell on the fingernails.
To my old school chum Ed Hamlin, who incidentally kept me out of the keeping position in the under 13s (or was it Tom? [his identical twin]) forcing me to become a second change medium pacer, your success thus far this season has only convinced me to hang up the gloves when I get back. I have decided to stand at I st slip and roll my arm over whenever I think there needs to be a bowling change and proclaim to Simon Roberts every over 'pitch it up, Simon, on the off stump'.
To two of my favourite players, Bill (Lawry) O'Brien and Ian (Keith?) Miller - I can only imagine the boundary line banter of Attrill, Roberts, Bickle & co. as you clock up opening partnerships which have us 0/45 at tea. This rhetoric could only be heightened by seeing Kahn walking out at the fall of the first wicket. Still, I know that you are probably only following the captain's instructions. Keep up the good work but don't forget to raise the panic level a little after tea which sees us slump to 5/60. As the great Max Pollock never tired of reminding us, 'the Reds are only ever one wicket away from a collapse'. Ian, if you are still heading to Ireland after the season, let me know and we will catch up. Bill, keep making runs and that long awaited premiership may not be far away - I will always remember your impassioned plea after tea as we pushed hard for victory in the last round against API in 94/5.'I'm not ready to finish my season today'. Need I remind you that we lost in tragic circumstances and our season did indeed finish on that very day.
I was saddened but hardly surprised at the retirement of Max following five years of torn hamstrings, busted medial ligaments and at times frightening psychosis.Who can forget classic pep talks such as 'Listen, you blokes, I reckon we're in this',following the fall of an opposition wicket only to be followed later in the day by'You're all a pack of weak bastards - I'm retiring'. I still think that Max should have knocked out Bill Leane that day to place his name firmly in the Reds Hall of Fame along with other notables (for on and off-field disputes) such as Drew Carling, Simon Gauntlett, Roberts, Attrill, Bickle, Charlie Todd and a few other names which longer serving members of the club can probably elaborate on. And I will always have fond memories of Max (often minus a functioning hamstring following a quick-run single earlier on) plonking balls over long-on with the greatest of ease or pulling victory from the jaws of defeat with inane looking off-spin which often had a habit of hypnotising opposition batsmen. It should also be said that sometimes, defeat was also snatched from the bowels of victory by Max's bowling.
Alec did not mention Mike Langley retiring although I had the distinct impression that he was going to. Perhaps 'the Vicar' has had some divine revelation and decided to keep trying to bring some subtlety to the art of medium pace bowling at the Reds - God knows (and the Vicar also knows) it needs it.
Dave Rogerson may be interested to know that I was at a second hand market in Budapest and I saw a Tigers scarf for sale. It was in the bargain bin, going for about 20 cents but was unfortunately attracting little interest. Dave may also be interested to know that Alec lists his assets to the side as being (i) fielding skills and (ii) knowledge of opposing batsmen (from last year and umpiring). Funny, I always thought that you were a leg spinner but gaining your place in the side as team ferret is still admirable. It appears that the Cold War has not finished afterall.Anyway, perhaps the tracks may suit you a little more in the new year. In the meantime, don't forget to keep rolling that arm over whenever you think the bowler needs a change.
It seems the appointment of Rick as 3rds captain was a natural progression (in Rick's mind at least) while it is interesting that Ken has chosen the death seat of the 2nds job. This combination would make for interesting selection nights (who is the Chairman of Selectors?) and I wonder if the record of 47 minutes for team selection set last year has been broken yet.
As for me - well I attend cricket training with the Budapest Cricket Club every Monday in a university gym. Just trying to keep the reflexes sharp and all that. It is particularly bizarre as often it is about -2°C inside the gym so one always has to be careful of fielding well timed drives. It does feel strange walking to cricket in the snow but it's an acceptable hazard for the cricket fanatic. The people who attend are like the last survivors of the British Empire - Indians, Pakistanis, South Africans, English, Sri Lankans and myself. We play on a rubbery surface over which we lay an astro-turf mat. It makes it particularly bouncy and quite dangerous sometimes as a few of the Pakistanis are like Wasim Akram understudies. We are organising some games for the upcoming months against teams from Austria and the Netherlands - who knows, perhaps Pete Rankin will be playing with the Dutch.
As you can imagine, cricket equipment in Hungary is at a premium with bats, pads, balls etc. being begged, borrowed or stolen from various sources - so if you have any used gear that you want to send over - on second thought don't bother, I was after all equipment monitor once. The Australian consulate is promising a new bat for the team, however.
This week training was attended by a reporter from the Budapest Week, one of Budapest's two English newspapers. I have included a copy of the article for your interest. You may recognise the figure behind the stumps in the bottom left hand corner - the reason I look like Jeff Fenech is because it is a few degrees below zero. The reporter who was a Hungarian/!Canadian knew nothing of cricket so the main objective was to try and teach her the basics. Her face went blank when I tried to explain the intricacies of the LBW law but I consoled her by suggesting that most umpires don't know it either and bowlers certainly don't.
Well, that's about the rap up from this side of the planet. I was too late
to get my dream team entry in but for the record this is who I would have chosen,
I think.
Bats Miller, Kahn, Freeman, McCaughey, Mitchell, Norling, Wood, Murk (sorry
Pete, I know you call yourself a leg spinner)
Bowlers Roberts, Attrill, Dorothy, Guest, Geisler WK Hamlin
I have included an e-mail address where I can be regularly updated on scores
and other information. Perhaps the Red Star Observer could even be sent to me
via e-mail. I look forward to seeing the Reds Home Page on the
web with interesting facts and figures such as player profiles, memorable moments,
what ever happened to .... and player exclusives such as 'Drugs and sport -
how to do both' (M. McCaughey, D. Maine), 'How to hot air balloon, keep statistics,
make runs and still find time for the spa and walking the dog' (S. Flemming),
'A reader's guide to cricket boot maintenance' (A. Kahn and M. Langley), 'Buildings
and drink containers - advice on temperament management (M. Freeman), 'l am
Paul Keating's love child' (P O'Brien) and 'I've been to hell and back' (any
of the last six B-grade captains).
Good luck to all three grades for the rest of the season and if you must win
a premiership without me make it as painful as possible. Remember the old Reds
motto,
Win nervously, lose tragically. All the best and I will see you some time in
'97.
Jim
PS. Look for me at Lord's.