Timing is everything in cricket. Take a look at the recent sorry effort of Mark "BB" Freeman.
I refer of course to the Chief’s gormless decision to miss the vital clash with Yarra Park to attend a wedding. The fact that it was his own wedding is of little significance. With the ceremony at 5.30, and the bride bound by tradition to be 15 minutes late, there was no reason at all why he couldn’t have played until 5.00 and changed in the car.
Or for that matter, got married in his whites and carrying bat and pads. It’s been done before, and Chrissie’s lived with him long enough to take it in the right spirit.
(Chief’s mealy mouthed attmept to make amends by telling Jim Todd that HE wasn’t invited unless he played, only underlined the logistical viability of the above scenarios.)
Organising one’s wedding around cricket is a fundamental skill that every Reds player must master.
Weddings were not really an issue for the early Reds. We were too left-wing, too liberated, and too unappealing to the opposite sex for the problem to ever arise.
All the same, KK is well qualified to offer advice on this touchy subject, having departed his father’s second wedding in time to keep wickets after tea, and the next year abandoning his new step-brother’s wedding 15 minutes into the reception to again don the tools of ignorance.
The first essential is never to let your beloved know that you’re trying to organise your wedding to avoid a clash with cricket. This can only lead to the inevitable and eternal female question, "Well, which do you love more, cricket or me?" A question which, if answered truthfully , can only lead to tears and recriminations. (And if answered falsely, leaves you cornered into missing a game.)
A little deviousness is required. As soon as the subject of a wedding comes up, you must go on the front foot by announcing that you’ve always wanted to get hitched in Hedgely Dene Gardens. Or Central Park, Malvern. Or the Treasury Gardens. Or Scots Church. These are Melbourne’s prime wedding locations, and delighted, your beloved will agree immediately.
It is then a simple matter for you to ring the council or church and with a few well-chosen questions, establish that the venue is booked solid on weekends for the next eighteen months. But yes, Mondays and Thursdays are very available. Which you reluctantly accept, leaving yourself in the clear not only for Saturday and Sunday games, but selection nights and midweek trainign as well.
However, it’s no use doing a Mike Geisler and organising your wedding to avoid a matchday, only to be dragged off on a honeymoon that costs you the next two games.
The month of the wedding needs just as much forethought as the day. And here you are up against the pernicious influence of the Women’s Weekly, which has convinced the entire female species that weddings must be in Spring or Autumn. Your girlfriend is not going to move from those months just because the honeymoon will wipe you out of Rounds 1-3 or (shudder) finals. In fact, she may even see it as a test of your devotion.
Once again, you must get around this by taking the initiative and proposing an irresistible honeymoon destination that just happens to dictate a Winter wedding.
The Northern Hemisphere is a no-no. Sure, our Winter is their Summer. But no Reds player can afford to go in peak tourist season. Just look how long it takes everyone to pay subs. So anyone foolish enough to suggest the Greek isles will soon find themselves financially cornered into October or March again.
You need somewhere south of the Equator that is credible in May to August. Queensland, Fiji and Bali are possibilities. A skiing holiday at Perisher is even better as it leaves absolutely no room for negotiation about dates. If her tastes lean to the bizarre (and if she’s involved with a Reds player they probably do), try the Kalahari Desert where the climate is bearable only in Winter.
Your problems only start with your wedding. the timing of your children’s births is even more critical.
No-one wants to end up like Bill O’Brien, missing the big game against Camberwell because of impending fatherhood. Or to play a semi-final like Jamie Croft, with a pager in your cricket bag waiting to call you to the hospital just as you stride to the crease with eight down and forty to get.
Family planning is also essential. Because once your child is born in cricket season, you also have their first dozen birthday parties to fit around your cricket. And sooner or later the birthdays will win, as Peter Bickle discovered back in Round Three.
The answer is obvious. No sex without contraception - or to be really safe, complete celibacy - in the months January to September. That will avoid any possible births - premature, normal or overdue - in the important months of the year.
Abstain for October - November as well, and you’ll be right for the Reds AGM in July, the highlight of the club’s pre-season calendar.
Then again, let your partner read this article, and celibacy could be a permanent condition for you anyway.